By: Ash Rivas

Please do not look away during the reading of this article, because you might miss something.  That’s not because everything is great; it’s because the Nintendo press conference was a blink-and-you-miss-it 30 minutes long.

I want to cut Nintendo a little slack, because they hold true to that good old “smack you in the face with back to back trailers” creed.  It cuts the bloat, gets to the news, and keeps your brain spinning in the wheels of the hype train until they cut your supply and throw you into the gameplay section of Nintendo Treehouse.  Full disclosure: I did not watch Treehouse, because it’s all day long and I have other things to do.  Things like playing Zelda.  While thinking about the Zelda DLC they just showed me.  While searching Amazon for the Amiibo pre-orders they mentioned…

OH GOOD GOD THEY’VE GOT ME. SEND HELP!

The big news

Kirby’ll swallow your soul (and everything else).

Metroid 4 is coming.  It’s in development for the Switch, and it’s coming soon.  We don’t know when, but it’s going to happen. 

Xenoblade Chronicles 2 is also happening, and will release holiday 2017.  I am a JRPG addict and this game is about as JRPG as it gets, from the ridiculous outfits to the completely melodramatic voice acting.

These two are awesome, but I’m not particularly a fan of either.  What am I a fan of, you ask?  The color pink.  And fat things.  And eating.  And you know who fits the bill for all of those things?  Yes, Majin Buu from Dragonball, but I hate that guy.  Let’s talk about Kirby’s Blowout Blast instead.

I freaking love Kirby games, and this one looked ridiculously cute and still held the staples of the series.  Swallow things, use their powers.  Check.  Multiplayer.  ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY.  And it’s for the Switch in 2018, and those kinds of dates and consoles get me all kinds of hot an bothered.

Pikachu coming to a Switch near you. Photo credit: Daily Star

Not as hot and bothered as the real big news.  This came straight from Ishihara himself, over at the Pokémon Company.  Now, I’m a little sour towards Pokémon right now for personal reasons, but even still—I can’t not be excited at this news.  I can’t help but get emotional.  A core Pokémon RPG is coming to the Switch.  You read that correctly.  A core entry to the series, so one of the main titles, will be on the Switch.  Console power, RPG influence, and main entry status.  It’s all we’ve ever wanted, and it’s in the works.  No date, no gameplay, not even a tease of a title.  But still.  I already got Sun and Moon sequels, so I didn’t expect a main series RPG.  Is my world complete?  No.  But it will be.

A new Yoshi game is also coming in 2018, and it looked just as adorable as Kirby.  Nintendo is doubling down on franchise staples to pump them out to the Switch as soon as they can, but so far, it looks fine.  It’s not as whorish as the Wii U Mario games, which is a good sign.

MOAR Zelda! Photo credit: ESA

My other big news is the Zelda DLC, which finally released part one on 30 June.  The next is coming “holiday 2017” (best guess = November), but what else is coming?  CHAMPION AMIIBOS!!  I can finally have my Mipha and Urbosa waifus on display on my desk.  Not Revali.  He’s a jerk Falco knock off.   …Fine. I’m still going to buy it.  I’m an idiot with poor impulse control.

Super Mario Odyssey was the finale for the show, and it looks really weird.  In a good way.  It’s ambitious, and it’s finally a Mario game trying something new in the years since Mario Galaxy.  To have two Mario games this year that are so strange (I already talked about Rabbids, but it did show up briefly in this conference too) is an achievement already.  But if I can throw my Mario hat and possess a T-Rex, well…well I don’t really know what to say about that.  EXCEPT FUCK YEAH I’M GOING TO DO THAT ALL DAY LONG.

The low notes

Sir Not-appearing-in-this-conference. Photo credit: Cheng-en Cheng on Flickr

I don’t have a lot to say here, really.  There wasn’t much that upset me about this conference besides the run time. 

EXCEPT THE OBVIOUS, WHERE THE HELL ARE MY 3DS GAMES?! 

You bastards promised that it was still the primary handheld, that the Switch is definitely the primary console since it’s too big and has a 3-minute battery life!  GIVE ME MY 3DS GAMES OR GIVE ME DEATH!!

No, really.  Where are my 3DS games?  They showcased some in Treehouse, apparently, but the new Metroid and Pikmin games for the 3DS got ignored.  Pokémon Sun and Moon 2 were really the only big ones mentioned.  It makes me more than a little sad; the 3DS is still far superior to the Switch, and Nintendo made all kinds of assurances that the Switch wouldn’t be the replacement of the 3DS.  They explicitly said “We’re only trying to wipe the stain of the Wii U from memory, not the glory of the 3DS”.  I’m paraphrasing.  Or making that up.

The vibe

A very Nintendo aesthetic. Photo credit: ESA

The attitude during the conference was cute, if you count the video recordings of Reggie as something to think of as cute. 

This entire conference is a bit different in that it’s a series of pre-recorded clips, so there isn’t an audience to watch or cheer.  It’s fine for a small segment, but this is Nintendo! 

When you have Miyamoto at the Ubisoft conference but don’t have him live at your own, that’s a little strange.  Particularly in the first E3 with fans allowed in. That guy is a ham, let him walk his walk for the nerds! 

What’s next?

Next up is PC Gaming.  That will signal the end of non-terrible E3 conferences. 

After that, get your boots, because we are wading in shit.  “If you don’t have anything good to say then don’t say anything” is for timid losers.   Sony and EA gave us nothing, and Bethesda just barely did better than them.  Maybe.  I’m still undecided.

It’s time to let those who have sinned feel those stones because these boots got caked in feces during the EA conference, and I have to clean them off before PAX Dev.

Get your enjoyable gaming in now, while you still can. Photo credit: ESA