The XV Dictates of Despotism

1. Ø. Don’t piss off the military.²
   • Precedent: A happy military is an exit strategy.
   • Consequences: Post-Mubarak Egypt

1. Don’t piss off the judiciary (civil or ecclesiastic).
   • Precedent: Fernando El católico and the Spanish Inquisition (look out, sin!)³
     • Dishonorable mention: the Court of the Star Chamber.
   • Consequences: Don’t expect any favors when your pet projects come up for review.
2. Don’t piss off the spies.
   • Precedent: The Stasi.
   • Consequences…
     1. Subcategory a) Your spies: You better have tapes because they take better notes than you do. Let’s try a thought experiment: imagine the impression NSA Director Admiral Rogers and his breastplate of medals will make in court before the angry judge (if you broke Rule I) when he is asked about your proclivity for “inappropriate contact.”
     2. Subcategory b) Other people’s spies: You’re not wrong, you do have an absolute right. But it’s not recommended.
     3. Subcategory c) Spymasters: Spy vs. Spy is a good comic, but a bad hobby. What’s worse, open hostility or an offer to help?

        
        Your mind powers will not work on him.

3. Don’t piss off the press.
   • Precedent: Unless you can crush, err, replace, them of course. After all, an enemy of your enemy is your friend. And get good graphic artists and filmmakers.
   • Consequences: Deep throat. Also, remember that rule about the spies.
4. Don’t play war with a warmonger.
   • Precedent: Go big or go home.
   • Consequences: Don’t invade Russia in the winter. Never start a land war in Asia. Don’t discuss military strategy over chocolate cake.
5. Don’t throw your team under the bus.
   • Precedent: You don’t have to promise an insula, just make sure to show a little appreciation now and then. 
   • Consequences: Lackeys and stooges know how to hold a grudge, and they tend to get leaky.
6. Do keep your enemies close, your friends closer, and your successor closest. 
   • Precedent: Blood is thicker is than water. However, while it’s best to keep it in the family, sometimes it pays to just be supreme placeholder for life.
   • Consequences: amiright Brutus?
7. Do control the political narrative.
   • Precedent: Words matter, so make sure your people use the right ones. 
   • Consequences: “Let them eat cake” didn’t go over well.  Don’t let your words become a rallying cry.
8. Do speak for the people.
   • Precedent: Elections are a nice-to-have, but the will of the people is never freely expressed at the ballot box. If you do it right.
   • Consequences: Exile will be one of your better options.
9. Do build up The Man, The Myth, The Legend.
   • Precedent: Sporting prowess is nice, especially at golf. Submarines are essential.
   • Consequences: The political narrative is not enough, you also need to control the personal narrative to keep from looking silly.
10. Do Assume an Impressive Title.
    • Precedent: Kahn, Caesar, The Great, The Terrible, Führer, Caudillo, Duce.
    • Consequence: If you ain’t The Something, you’re nothing.

Conclusion

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Today’s market is crowded with some real heavyhitters, so how do I break through? Well it’s all about being honest with yourself. That’s why we thought we would talk it over with you because, well, maybe it will help you to know just what we found out about honesty. And we found out plenty. To be honest may sound easy, some of the time it is, but it can be a real problem. Especially when being honest, conflicts with other things you want to do.⁴ Just remember…

• Know yourself.
• Find the truth. 
• Express the truth (it’s a matter of perspective).
• Ignorance is strength.

How honest are you?

Notes:
¹ All of them.^
² Null, I know, null. After all, the Romans knew something about running water, but what about zero? ^
³ Don’t tell me you didn’t see this coming. ^
⁴ Most of this paragraph is cribbed from the opening dialog in the 1950 sleeper hit of an instructional video: How Honest are You?  While it fails to capture the intent of the original material, it does reveal the power of the film’s message. ^